Irreverent Mommy

Not here anymore...

2009-06-28T12:01:00.001-06:00

Hey, come and check me out at www.irreverentmommy.com

I've abandoned Blogger in favour of WordPress!

2009-06-22T21:04:00.002-06:00

Well, Statler & Waldorf left this afternoon. All survived, but I am not able to elaborate just yet. This is actually about Jon & Kate - watching other people's dysfunction apparently makes me feel better when I'm wallowing in the mouldy cheese that is my relationship with my parents.

Anyway, so this episode was supposed to be "The BIG Announcement". Drum roll please...

Jon & Kate are getting divorced. Really? That's the big announcement? In other BIG news, George Michael is still gay, brown is the new black and the economy is suffering - don't all gasp at once.

Now, I could be wrong, but does Jon have the capability of becoming a complete jerkwad? What's with the earrings circa 1983? Those have got to be new. He's also looking more GQ lately (they've both had make overs...nice new boobies!). And why apartment hunt in NYC - why not in Wernersville? I do admit it's incredibly sad I know where they live.

The episode was incredibly heart wrenching, as divorce should be. There was just something about Jon that was off. He checked out of the whole show at the end of last season & you can just tell he's loathing every moment of filming, but that's not it. It's almost like his new found freedom is allowing him to find his inner douche.

Hmmm, Kate is Kate. She's handling it in Kate fashion, still the victim. I think there is way more going on behind the scenes that we don't know about. Not that I need Jon to admit he's been poking a college girl, there's just something very icky about how he's handling himself now.

They should both be in counselling. Kate needs to find a way to chill & not be quite so damn shrill. Jon needs to learn that having balls does not equal turning into a frat boy.

The Trending Topics on Twitter are currently;

Jon & Kate
Iran
Iran Election

Ouch. Talk about Reality TV! I'm waiting for the "Real Housewives of Afghanistan" myself, Kate can go there for a while - that's must see TV!

And remember when Jon & Kate talked about God? Where did He go? Not enough room for Him in the big, new house?

Personally, I think there's still something salvageable in the relationship. They need to stop selling out - Jon doesn't need a BMW and Kate doesn't need to keep the boobs quite so perky. The show needs to end. But, what do I know?

Elvis sold his soul & was crowned King.

Abuse From The Balcony

2009-06-13T21:59:00.012-06:00

So, my folks will be arriving this Saturday. Dum, da, dum, dum - indeed. You think your parents are bad? Makers of awkward situations? Unaware of their outside voices? Prepare to be dazzled. I win, hands down, in the "Most Eccentric Parent" category - don't even try to compete. BOTH of mine are currently vying for the top honour.

My parents are Statler & Waldorf.

I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the impending arrival. They live only a short 3 hour drive away. An improvement from when I lived in California, a border between us was necessary for a while, but I did miss them. So when I returned to Canada, I decided that moving back to their city was not a good idea, but 3 hours was a perfectly reasonable distance. Oh yeah, and no guest room equals a hotel stay for S&W, so that gives us breaks during the visit too.

Here's how our last visit went...

Baby Apostle - 4 days old

Me - still fat

Waldorf (Dad) - wanting to know when I was going to loose the baby weight. "How long do you think it will take you? 4 weeks, 5 weeks or 6 weeks?" Hmmm, awkward much? The Baby Apostle will be 7 weeks old tomorrow & I don't think I've lost an ounce. I intend on discussing his penis size should he bring up the subject this weekend.

It's like being forced to watch the birth of someone you know via some dude's Daddy-Cam. Too shocking to speak & too awkward to look away.

Dad also enjoys guessing strangers names based on their ethnicity. Fun times.

Now for Statler (Mom). I clean like a maniac before they arrive, which was easier before the kidlets arrived, but I'll still do it if it means I only get an hour of sleep the night before. I'd like to think that my home is clean, perhaps untidy at times, but at least clean. I work hard to try to maintain my goal of having a home that is always 15 minutes away from being "company ready".

That been said, I can be a little Monica Geller about cleaning too. I believe it's due to the fact that Statler instilled the fear that if I didn't keep a clean home, body, life, mind and soul that a place would be reserved for me in the Ninth Circle of Hell.

Here's how our last visit went...

Baby Apostle - 4 days old

Me - Still slightly high off the endorphins of having a wonderful drug free home birth with zero complications.

Statler (Mom) - "You let Music Man stay with you when you delivered?". Um, yeah. Apparently when our daughter was born (in a hospital) it was okay for him to stay with me, but having Music Man stay with me while I had our son at home, put childbirth in a whole other realm of yucky. I dunno. I can assure you, Music Man being present was the least yucky part of the whole day!

That's enough of Statler & Waldorf for today. I have stories that would make you spray your beverage of choice across your monitor, but we're just getting to know each other & you really need to be introduced gradually to these two.

10 Guilty Pleasures

2009-06-12T20:45:00.012-06:00

George Michael. Sweet, sweet heavens, I love this man like a crack whore loves a pipe. From "Everything She Wants" - pure cotton candy goodness to the entire "Songs of a Century" album. He's a musical genius the likes of Stevie Wonder and no one will convince me otherwise. Thank you to the Music Man for making my dream of seeing George come true - from the front row.

"Road House", "Dirty Dancing" & "North & South" mini series. Now, you may ask "why doesn't she just say 'Patrick Swayze movies'"? Well, I love Patrick, but let's face it, "Three Wishes" looked terrible, I wasn't a huge fan of "Ghost" either. These are the best of the best of Patrick.

Scrapbooking. Want to remember the big moments in life? Better yet...want to remember the totally horrendous grad dress? Scrapbook. As I have moved my "work space" to our bedroom I had to scale back my supplies to the bare minimum required to facilitate my addiction. Being a Consultant for Creative Memories isn't helping the surplus either, but I love it. And, you can fuel your addiction at http://www.lastalifetime.ca/.

Male movie stars around the age of 18-ish. I don't know what to tell you, the Mrs. Robinson in me? Zac Efron just makes my pink parts happy.

Home shopping. LOVE to order something online & await its arrival. LOVE http://www.theshoppingchannel.com/.

Pepsi. Hands down the better cola. However, if it's a slurpee, then it has to be coke. Either go well with Rum.

Disney. I lived in Southern California for a while after high school & was a Disney fan before the move. Going to Disneyland made me a Disney loser forever. I cry during the parades, I wait too long for rides, I pay way too much money for a Churro, but damn it's a good day when you wake up in Disneyland!

Sleep. Wife + mother = no sleep or time to myself. When I can get either of those things, I'm giddy like Corey Haim on another reality show.

Baking or cooking. Long, uninterrupted baking sessions of just me & the mix master. I have a copy of the Joy of Cooking & I use it.

I am a love junkie. I love to be touched, I love sappy movies, I love being gross and showing loads of PDA...and if all goes right, well, you might get to bang me like a screen door in a wind storm...well, not you, unless you're Music Man...

...or George Michael.

Daytime TV

2009-06-12T11:03:00.002-06:00

Alright, so I've been addicted to Days of Our Lives since kindergarten - I blame my mom. Soaps & the stay at home mom have been an inseparable combination for decades. I can't explain it, there's something about the highly anticipated story lines & fart acting that keeps me tuning it - for decades. I won't pretend I'm cool.

The best part about soaps?

Zero chance of seeing a placenta.

There's how many baby/birth shows on now? About a bagillion. Birth Stories, Baby Story, Birthdays, etc. All endearing tales of couples embarking on babydom. You can turn on the TV at pretty much any part of the day & see the latest pot roast coming into the world.

Having recently gone through childbirth for the second time, I would have thought these shows would be lost on me now - they're not. There's some weird voyeuristic section of my brain that wants to see how other women choose to have their kids. Until now.

You know what I love?

Those blurry spot they put over the nasty bits - love those blurry areas! At least they used to have blurry areas. The higher brow birth shows still have them, but I tuned into a show this morning that had me looking at my jam in a different light. And I just had a kid!

Seriously, if people want to see the kind of birthing seen on Animal Planet, they should go to a birthing class. I had my son at home, a great birth experience, but in no way would I fool myself into thinking other people would want to live it with us! There's no video to post on youtube. There's no pictures to turn into an awkward coffee table book.

I'm going back to watching Days of Our Lives.

The Conception Show - now that's a show I could get behind! Or should I say 'from behind'?

6 weeks & 2 days

2009-06-11T22:46:00.004-06:00

So our Little Apostle is now 6 weeks & 2 days old. Seems like he sprang from my loin yesterday. If I was a better mother, I would have posted on the actual 6 week mark, but I'm not good at that - I totally made shit up in Little E's baby book - but she has a kick ass scrapbook to make up for it!

Time has seriously gone by quickly & I'm hoping we've taken as many pics of The Apostle's early days as we took of Little E. Here he is.

Nine days until my folks get here. I'll post about them later - as the day draws near, my blood pressure gets higher. I'll have a much funnier post closer to the day when I'm more manic.

Drowing in Icing

2009-06-08T21:42:00.005-06:00

I dare anyone who thinks their job is difficult to take on the task of caring for a newborn & potty training a toddler whilst maintaining some sense of sanity. I'd rather give our Cleo, our bi-polar cat, a root canal.

I'm having difficulty pin pointing the actual favourite part of my day. Little E is usually fairly adaptable to situations, but the potty is something she cannot quite grasp (and honestly, if I had someone to change me throughout the day, I'd choose to carry on in my 2 year old world as well!). She's having the 1st real responsibility thrust onto her shoulders & is pissed. She will happily sit on the potty when she doesn't have to go - the pain in my shoulders & back are evidence of this as we sat together for hours & hours today - she on her potty & I on the hardwood, hard ass, floor.

We had a few successful potty moments, interrupted by sheer moments of rage on her part & utter horror on mine. Pretty much everything runs through your mind. Such as, "this is just part of the process, no one said it would be easy", "these rages she's having probably won't affect her permanently, right?", and my favourite, "you're the worst mother in the world, you should have potty trained her long ago".

I also question whether potty training is really necessary? There is a clear correlation between potty training and dating. If there's a chance she might piss on a date, I know it won't go anywhere, there's solace in that.

Couple that scenario with caring for the Baby Apostle & you've got a complete circus on your hands. He had a good day, but there's just no easy way of caring for a little one when your life is consumed by the potty world. How does one negotiate diapers while sitting on the floor next to the deep freeze (had to get out of the bathroom & move the potty so Mom could be slightly saner in a larger environment)?

The highlight may have been trying to grab baby wipes with my badly in need of a pedicure toes while balancing the Baby Apostle on one knee and giving him his bottle through some weird pose with my chin, holding onto Little E (who is screaming her lips off as she just peed on the floor), with one hand and swatting the cat who is dangerously close to knocking over the canister of jelly beans I'd been bribing Little E with. There's nothing left to do by cry at that point.

Once everyone was calm it seemed like things might be quiet long enough for me to empty the dishwasher. That's when the smell hit me...where was the smell of curdled throw up coming from?
Garbage? Nope.
Garbage disposal? Nada.
Moi? Ding, ding, ding.

How long had that dried spit up been on me? Not sure...it was dry. Sex bomb! Can't decide what's hotter, wearing dried spit up, the giant granny panties I've resigned myself to or my greasy, matted to my head hair...when did I wash it last??? Fuck knows.

Both children are sleeping soundly now & it's early.

I should be celebrating by breaking the celibacy which follows childbirth, but he's had to go back to work to make up for lost time he took out to help me today. And I won't pretend that celibacy would have been broken due to my current and aforementioned, state of physical unawareness.

Guess I'll clean & eat leftover weekend cupcakes...

...and listen to Neil Diamond and wait for tomorrow.

If you're thinkin' that my life
Is a hoot and a holler
From the start of the day
To the dark of the night
Then it's ringing like a bell
That you only wanna follow
And trust me when I say
I'm just trying to get it right
Still I think about myself
As a lucky old dreamer
If you're asking me to tell
Is it worth what I paid?
You're gonna hear me say
Hell yeah it is
And I say it loud
I loved it all
And I'm not too proud
I freed my soul
Just let it fly
Hell yeah this crazy life around me
It confuses and confounds me
But its all the life
I've got
Until I die
Hell yeah it is

Tube of Cheese

2009-06-07T13:15:00.002-06:00

Tried on the skinny jeans again - just can't help myself...

I know what my lower half looks like in them.

Remember in the 80's you could get cheese in a tube? I guess it was similar to Cheeze Whiz, but it came in a tube. I actually don't know if it's still on the market, but that's the last time I remember it. Mom had a pension for buying weird & wonderful edible concoctions which were most likely based on dares.

Actually, my lower half is like a Liverwurst Tube http://www.karlehmer.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=43 - mmmm.

Here's to fat spilling everywhere - I may spread some on a cracker.

Like it's 1979

2009-06-04T07:07:00.003-06:00

I have a tendency to buy Little E useless crap on a regular basis. You know what I mean, the toys made in China that look cute at the store, but will inevitably cause you a trip to the emergency room because during a moment of spontaneity, you decide having hot sex somewhere other than the bedroom is a good idea, resulting in you and your husband riding legos down the stairs. Lord help me now that we have a son, I'm libel to end up with a GI Joe up my ass.

Anyway, this is not one of those useless toys. And, although the Music Man looked at me blankly as I proudly displayed my find, I am convinced Little E will remember this toy until she has kids of her own.

http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3326878

What they don't tell you before you get knocked up...

2009-06-03T20:02:00.003-06:00

I think I may suffer from elevated self image.

Let me explain...

I have an image in mind of what I look like & let me tell you (and I mean this humbly), I'm smokin' - Charlize should be asking me who does my colours.

Then I pass a mirror.

That pregnancy glow is long gone as is the "I just gave birth I am She-Ra Princess of Power" kind of confidence. A tired, ragged, fatter version of myself has settled in.

Have I mentioned that my new favourite thing is Rum & Coke slurpies? And that I've made Kettle Corn about 5 times in about 9 days? Chocolate anyone? And for the first time in my life, I am eating my own baking (cardinal rule of The Baking Club - always have a tester, never, ever, sample your own work). I'm making a birthday cake for a friend this weekend. God, grant me the serenity!

So, the obvious plan should be to begin a workout routine of some sort. Not my strong suit...actually not my suit at all. In fact, if life were the prom & the suit I wore to the prom reflected my workout regime, I would show up looking like Herb Tarlek.

What is really sucking ass at the moment is that I don't even have the good boobs that go along with post pregnancy. I am not able to breastfeed, so no big jugs for me...or Music Man (good thing he's an ass man - something I have ample of). So, I'm stuck being an eleven year old boy on top & Bruce Vilanch on the bottom.

At the end of my pregnancy all I wanted was to see my toes again - I can see them. They're what's on the other side of the deflated whoopy cushion once known as my stomach - not that the area was my best to begin with, but let's face it, no one wants to see a cute pedicure on the other side of jowels.

The up side is that I am wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans. They fit like a dream right after giving birth 5 weeks ago. That may have been my downfall. I got cocky and have been eating my face off. My skinny jeans mock me from our closet. I tried them on over the weekend.

Stupid girl.

I am this clueless...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyO-z_7Ip9c&feature=related

Let's just hang on & pray that post-partum doesn't hit until one of these issues is resolved, or I'm drunker.

Bedtime

2009-05-27T10:55:00.003-06:00

Bedtime used to be my favourite time of day with my daughter. It meant all was quiet, she was chill and there were lots of snuggles.

Bedtime is now bittersweet.

It seems every time I put her to sleep she wakes up a little bigger, wiser and more grown up. Why does God make childhood go by so fast and shit times like junior high school last so long?

It seems every day I lay my head down I'm filled with questions and regrets like,

Did I spend enough time with her today?
Why didn't I have the camera ready for that perfect photo op?
Did I make her feel special?
Why do I spend so much time trying to make others happy when I should really be concerned about my own family?

These are the things that keep me awake sometimes. It's all going by so quickly that I feel like every family moment is precious since, in the grand scheme of things, they only happen a handful of times a month. I really feel like tomorrow my daughter will be asking for the keys to the car.

8 hours and 53 minutes until bedtime, gotta make it count.

The Kate Gosselin Pity Party

2009-05-26T10:36:00.006-06:00

* For the duration of this post, please be advised that I believe Jon has been unfaithful (in some capacity) to Kate & is not ready to admit it publicly.

So, after watching the season premiere of Jon & Kate + 8 last night, I decided the best thing for them would be to send Kate to Duggar Bootcamp. Granted, Michelle Duggar has treated her vagina like a clown car, but at least she knows what she's doing. Kate could learn a thing or two on how to treat family from Michelle. Perhaps a few lessons on how to treat your partner with dignity & respect. After watching a bunch of Jon & Kate episodes over the weekend, it became disconcerting how much their relationship had deteriorated, divorce wouldn't be a huge surprise.

I don't want to hear any "oh, but no one deserves to be cheated on" arguments either, but I'll give you - it's a terrible way to go about getting out of a marriage. Respect breeds respect, it's pretty obvious that has been missing on the Gosselin front for a long time. Jon just disrespected Kate in a different way than she disrespects him. While we're on that subject, if the situation were reversed, and Jon berated Kate in every episode - there would be women lined up for blocks to kick his ass every time he stepped outside their 3.1 million dollar home. And when she cheated - after being spoken to for 5 years like she's a trained chimp - everyone would be saying "you go girl". Fucking double standards.

What's with the way Kate phrases everything? She tells us that Jon "needed the weekend off", leading us to believe Jon wouldn't be attending the sextuplets' birthday party. What was probably more accurate was that Jon didn't want to be filmed (come on, filming 4 days a week would wear on anyone - when there's no controversy brewing) and that pissed Kate off so she had to play the victim - yet again - and take the kids shopping on her own. Poor Kate. Jon did in fact attend the party - he had to pick up the cakes & bring them over. His interactions with the kids was heartbreaking & Kate trying to figure out why she was so cold (her heart) while trying to appear less awkward was just pitiful.

It's obvious the Kate Gosselin empire is strong - the show has become their main source of income, but do the math

$25,000 to $75,000 per episode
Decent coin on 2 book deals
Speaking engagements, reportedly another $25,000 a pop to hear this woman speak
Residual income from DVD sales
Kate's new children's clothing line

That's not a bad little living.

I can see why Kate would want to keep the machine going and come up with this plan http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2009/05/exclusive-new-interview-jon-kates-secret-marriage-contract

I love how after Kate announces the plan to Jon, he finds a college girl to play "Let's Hide The Hair-Plugs" with and then Kate totally throws him under the bus, making herself the victim. Heaven help those kids with this kind of manipulation polluting their air.

To hear her complain about the paparazzi following her around makes me want to give her one or two good hard smacks. She's gonna be throwing 7 kinds of shit fits when the paparazzi aren't around anymore - it'll mean no one cares about her & her family anymore & the ride is over. I hope they've invested well.

I'm not disputing Kate is well organized and can run a house - a skill required with a big family. But I hope that if I ever spoke to or about my husband the way she does Jon that someone who loves me would take me aside and tell me what a bitch I am. Now, since that hasn't appeared to have happened, I'm going to err on the side of caution and assume Kate has eaten everyone who loved her. I'm not under any illusion that Jon is still living in the house but should he be allowed back in, my fear would be that without help, Kate would make him pay for his "bad decisions" for the rest of their marriage.

Kate proclaims to be a Christian, so she should know that when she's asked about her husband & says "I'm here for the kids" 27 times, red flags are bound to be raised. God 1st, Husband 2nd, Children 3rd. I don't think Jon's come 2nd for a long time. They stopped being lovers and became parents. I know maintaining that balance is difficult in the best of situations (ie - parents to only 1 child), however it doesn't seem like they surrounded themselves with people who would hold them accountable to each other and their family. They've gone out of control & no one is there to help reign them in.

It's time for this couple to cut the show, pull together & save what's left.

The Math Just Sucks

2009-05-24T13:50:00.001-06:00

So, Jon & Kate + 8 took over TLC this weekend in a bid for the network to maximize the scandal surrounding the family and plug tomorrows season premiere.

There have been several cute little plays on the shows title by various tabloid shows & mags
Jon - Kate
Kate + 8 - Jon

You get the idea.

We have watched this show on and off since it first aired as a documentary. It was a decent "reality" show (I use that term loosely as it's so staged) about a family with 2 sets of multiples.

We love Jon (I will be sporting a TEAM JON shirt should I be able to find one!), he always looks like the most tired man on earth, oozing patience. Kate has picked my butt since the beginning and it's only gotten worse. I don't want to hear anyone giving me the "ohhh, you haven't walked in her shoes" and "You don't have 8 kids" bit either. Come on, she wanted this show & began marketing her family before the sextuplets were born.

We have discussed the way Kate treats Jon (and people in general) for years. It's like his wedding vows went something like this, "I, Jon, promise to do what ever you say, allow myself to be demeaned in public and in front of our children and allow you put my balls in a vice at your discretion while you wish I sit by your side, forever muted".

Now, I'm not saying stepping out on your partner is the solution to the problem, quite the opposite. I honestly hope they can save their relationship, but for goodness sakes people, get some help and enough with the show already.

I have yet to see this play on the title
Jon - Kate = 8 heartbroken babies.

Cara and Maddy must be 7 or 8 now - as if their classmates don't know about the show. Walking into 2nd or 3rd grade knowing everyone in your class knows your Daddy stepped out on your Mommy is more than should be expected of these kiddos.

Pull the plug.

That been said, we will be tuning in tomorrow night to see if Kate continues to play the victim and continues to throw her partner under the bus as she has with all her recent PR endeavours.

I also want to see if she's done something about that skunk/porcupine hairstyle yet - seriously, what's that about?

Disclaimer

2009-05-20T21:55:00.004-06:00

As of late, I have found myself in heated debates via a certain networking site & was told I should blog about this shit. Hmmm, would anyone even care about the bitter diatribes of a stay at home mom? Not that my life is dull or bitter, it's just that the sarcastic and dark side of me tends to overrule the sunny happy side...if I had a sunny side.

Blogging about my life also goes against the eight year old girl inside of me who is afraid her parents might find out about what she's writing about.

Seriously.

See, I had the mother who read my diary (why is it that kids always hide their diaries between the mattresses?). My Mom always told me that what ever I did, she'd know about it. And she was ALWAYS right. So, either she sold her soul to Beelzebub for this power (one of many), or I was a ridiculously stupid kid. I never ended up in any "special" classes, so you do the math.

Another reason to resist blogging - time. I have a daughter, Little E, born Sept. 2006 and a son, The Baby Apostle, born April 2009. I shouldn't have time to bathe, let alone have time to blog about being smelly. So, we'll see how this goes.

The last reason to resist blogging. What will people think of me? That's a good question that has trailed me for decades. Truth be told, becoming a mother & turning thirty gave me a greater sense of self. That self began to care less & less about what people thought & rendered to the fact that the filter once placed on her mouth had somehow been removed.

So here's the disclaimer

I swear - some times alot, but never blaspheme - I still care what God thinks

You might not like some of the things I write about, but you only have to have an opinion to blog & it's not as if I'm telling you to substitue your opinions or beliefs with what you read here.

You may be exposed to frustrating rants regarding life as a mom (ie - baby puke, stretch marks, whale mating)

You may be exposed to jubilant posts regarding life as a mom (ie - potty success, baking, joyful kids)

So if you're still reading, consider yourself warned & enjoy. Entertainment is not guaranteed.